Tomorrow Apple may (or may not) announce the information (or not) of their newest (or imagined) tablet that may possibly not be called the iTablet. The buzz around this is approached ridiculous, passed through it, and actually came out the other side in what’s known as a “Fanboy Wormhole”.
I am not immune. I have no idea why I would want or need this object I have yet to even see, but my expectations are high. So are those of my online compatriots, so I asked for a list of what features this iTablet would need to have to meet their expectations. Here are the device specifications, according to the Wisdom of Crowds:
- Breathtakingly beautiful (only viewable through sunglasses)
- Upholstered in rich corinthian leather
- Light as a feather (Hummingbird’s)
- Wafer thin
- Supports Linux
- 3D visual display
- 3D audio speakers
- 3D smellorama
- Infinite storage capacity
- Anti-gravity stabilizers (for use as hoverboard)
- Time travel through TARDIS interface (only available in blue)
- Invisibility cloak
- Bulletproof, laserproof, waterproof, deathproof
- Comedy detector
- Bullshit detector
- Built in lightsaber
- Projectable Cone of Silence (double strength in coffee shops)
- Folds clothes
- Prevents dry skin (possibly through lotion dispenser/web cam combo)
- Makes breakfast burritos
- Roasts and brews coffee (possibly through the iStarbucks app)
- Tissue dispenser
- Walks your dog (using hoverboard feature to return if dog gets tired)
- Detects Dark Matter
- Slow or stop time (see: TARDIS feature)
- Understand user’s intention independent of actual actions
- Generates (then detects) Higgs Bosons
Many thanks to Troy, Martha, Jodi, Robin, Tim, Tammy, Paulette, Carlos, Ron, Shari, Dave, Dustin, Roger, Alan, Mark, Jess, Evelyn, and Byron for helping me craft this crystal clear picture. Here’s hoping that tomorrow all of our dreams come true!
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I am eagerly awaiting (maybe) this possible gadget. I have seen articles featuring large men who are saying they will buy it no matter what it is – if only I had (or didn’t have) that kind of money to spend on something that may (or may not) change the world as we know it.
As for the specifications, the TARDIS functionality is really the only thing I care about. Corinthian leather is SO overrated these days as compared to some of the 1000 threadcount bamboo-based covers. Really – whomever came up with that idea needs to get out of their Mercedes S class and step into true comfort.
I’m hoping that they are completely scrapping any announcement of an iTablet ir iPhone or iWhatever and just announcing that there is a new and improved iTunes app for the iPhone that allows you to stream radio stations via a 3G connection. That would be something useful.
.-= Heath´s last blog ..Sphinx are NOT ugly =-.
Phil Earnhardt says
Despite its many features, the iSlablet will not deflect a reality distortion field. Perhaps next year…
Ryan Boyles says
Thanks for the LOL bullets. I think your iPad would have been better for what it’s worth.
.-= Ryan Boyles´s last blog ..theRab: RT @TDJensen: @jmoriarty Does the iTablet make espresso? If not, I’ll be disappointed, and groggy. =-.