sweat by Sukhchander

I started running last year to train for the Warrior Dash. It was fun and provided an excuse to get in some cardio, so I didn’t really think about the bigger implications.

I ran in ignorance.

Today, on a particularly painful run that clearly 85% of my body did not want to be doing, I realized my folly. I listened to my body and it told me that running wasn’t just a bad idea for me, it is a bad idea for all of us.

History of Running

Let’s peer back in time at our ancient ancestors when all of them ran. You had to run to catch your food, run to move to new hunting grounds, run to escape the jerks in the next settlement over when they came to kill you and steal all your woolly mammoth tusks.

Here is the To Do list for pretty much all of our forebears:

1. Invent wheel
2. Learn to ride horses
3. Hook horses to wheels
4.  Own faster horse/wheel thing than neighbors

Notice the thread? Job One for our ancestors was to STOP running and find as many ways possible to not have to do it again. What happened once this list got out of committee and got some traction?

Civilization!

Running is bad for the human race

A growing number of people think running is fun. Marathons, half-marathons, triathalons, ultra-marathons, megathons, infinithons, and on and on. Every person who laces up a pair of shoes (or slides into some Vibrams) is turning back the clock to a time before we had perfectly good cars and airplanes to get us around. They’re not even running for a good reason. If hungry lions were released behind the runners at a race, at least there would be a sense of neolithic nostalgia about it.

Moving away from the products of our evolution as a species sends a message that we should abandon our modern progress and revert to a dirtier, sweatier, far more dangerous time. We evolved places like McDonald’s and Taco Bell so I don’t have to suit up and go hunt a buffalo every day. We created things like jeans and t-shirts so I can let my deer skinning and tanning skills get really rusty. I love indoor plumbing, the internet, laser beams, and my iPhone.

We can’t let runners take those away from us.

Their time is running out

Next time you see someone running, give them a flier for a nearby car dealership. If they’re listening to their iPod while they run, squirt it with water. Leap out from behind bushes and bite their legs to see how they really like the thrill of the chase.

Write to running event organizers and tell them to grow up and enter the Twenty-First century… or even the Nineteenth if that’s too much for them. Contact your Congressional Representatives and let them know how unAmerican running really is. Demand they take action.

Our ancestors would smack modern day runners right upside the head. If we work together, we can preserve everything they fought so hard to create: a comfy ride.

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(cc) What What on Flickr

I love food, in all its flavors, textures, types, and styles. I adore trying new things.

That is why I cry a little when I see someone immediately salt the snot out of a dish before trying a single bite, and there is no greater source of my tears than the  class of food products known as “condiments”.

Correctly done, a condiment should add flavor to food. What sadly happens far too often is that people glop and plop this stuff on otherwise tasty food to completely cover over the original taste. Their food becomes just a Condiment Delivery Device, and I wonder why they don’t just squirt the stuff right into their mouths and cut out the middle man.

If you want to get the most out of your food, then heed my list of the Top and Bottom condiments…

Best Condiments In The World

1. Sriracha Sauce – Known to all by the distinctive rooster on the bottle, know by some as the “hot cock”, it is clearly the most glorious of all condiments. It might even transcend “condiment” to be an actual “prodiment”. As the Oatmeal pointed out this stuff is glorious. It is tangy, magical, and acceptable in all amounts from a “Small dollop” up to “See you in the afterlife”.

2. Spicy mustard – While much milder than Sriracha, it brings both flavor and zing to everything from ballpark franks to wine and cheese plates. It goes anywhere with style and swagger. Plain yellow mustard is not horrible, but that’s Little Child Mustard. Here we’re talking about Studly Mustard, also known as Studstard. Also acceptable are garlic mustard, stone ground mustard, and nuclear death mustard.

3. Salsa – This refers to real salsa, not Cold Tomato And Random Vegetable Chopped Goo. It’s a condiment so tasty you can eat it on a plain corn chip with style. Professionals include it to finish off everything from tacos to pasta. It’s the Transformer of condiments.

Worst Condiments In The Universe*

1. Mayonaisse – Screw everything about this zit-pus like substance. You know what a great ham sandwich tastes like when you add mayo? Mayo. Know what a dead rat tastes like when you add mayo? Mayo. Other than helping out in egg salad (where it is saved by the mustard), and helping people eat their dead rats, this stuff is the Taste Killer and should be banned from all discerning mouths.

2. Ketchup – This condiment is acceptable with one thing: French fries. Maybe a hot dog or hamburger, but only if you’re out of mustard. If you put this on your eggs, your steak, your doughnuts, or anything else you need to seek help.

3. Ranch dressing – Capable of turning the healthiest of salads into an artery clogging bowl of sludge, it often hangs out in the refrigerator near its eviler cousin, the mayo. Together, the two are often known to bully around more defenseless food when the refrigerator door is closed and the lights go out. Every time you dunk a carrot stick or broccoli sprout from a veggie platter into this goop, you’re punching Mother Nature in the face. If you dunk your pizza in this stuff, you need to switch pizza places then punch yourself in the face.

* I don’t think even if we encounter alien civilizations they will be able to top these nasty things.

If you’re a condiment junkie, please, get help. There is a world of flavors out there just begging to run rampant over your tongue bumps – set them free!

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Godzilla: King of the Tannenbaums

I don’t like Christmas.

I grew up in a Roman Catholic household so had it in full force as a kid, but as I grew up it started to feel made up and silly. Now I become increasingly anti-social as the 25th approaches, and have resigned myself to simply enduring this time of year and not trying to understand it any longer.

As an admitted Grinch who knows there is no way Christmas will ever disappear, here are my Three Tips To A Nearly Tolerable Christmas…

Stop worrying about that Jesus guy so much

I am no longer a Christian, and not even religious at all, so do you know how pissed off I get when someone wishes me a Merry Christmas?

Not even a little bit.

Someone is wishing me good tidings in a way that’s meaningful to them. How can I get mad about that?

What drives me bonkers is the endless bitching about the “right way” to say things. Some Christians scream “Keep the Christ in Christmas!”, while non-Christians get bent because someone wished them anything other than a generic Happy Holidays. I’ll take everything from Happy Chanukah to Frolicking Festivus with a smile.

Tip 1: However you celebrate this time of year, be gracious in accepting how others do it.

Stop buying crap

No other activity of the year brings out hateful, mean, rude behavior in people like Christmas shopping. From pepper spraying shoppers over Black Friday deals to fistfights over stolen parking places, it’s revolting. I avoid malls entirely between Thanksgiving and New Year because I can’t stand the madness.

Now “Christmas is too commercialized” is a popular drum to beat, and maybe you’re even nodding at this point, but here’s the thing… if you buy any Christmas gifts you’re part of the problem. Every year people lament how commercialized Christmas is, but they still buy crap they don’t need to fill manufactured expectations and Black Friday projections.

Things aren’t what make us happy.

My wife and I stopped giving each other presents years ago. Instead we pool the money we would have spent together, buy as much food as we can at Costco, and take it to a local Food Bank. Black Friday gets no help from us.

Tip 2: Find something you care about this Holiday season and invest part of yourself. Invest in time with people you care about, or people who need help.

Make your own celebrations

My first year in Arizona I lived in Manzanita Hall at ASU, on a floor entirely populated by 18 to 19 year old boy-idiots away from home for the first time. Our community room TV was programmed by majority rules, which meant it was generally football games and juvenile garbage that I was rarely interested in.

As a result, my hopes were slim when I rolled in an hour early to try and commandeer the TV to watch the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Charlie Brown Christmas specials. This was kid stuff, and I figured I’d be laughed off the floor if anything more interesting was on. I was wrong.

When other people trickled in over the next hour, every single one was relieved when I told them what I was planning to watch. Every one. By the time Rudolph started not a square inch of floor or wall space was unoccupied. A SWAT team could not have changed that channel without casualties.

Several dozen instant friends all cheered the Bumble, laughed at Charlie Brown, and a few even tried the Snoopy Dance.

As a result, my best Holiday memory that year didn’t come from all the traditional dinners or present wrapping. It came from a group of strangers all sharing their favorite TV shows.

Tip 3: Ignore convention. Find the things you really love about the Holidays and genuinely share them with someone. Maybe family, maybe friends, maybe strangers, maybe someone down on their luck.

My heart of unwashed socks

(cc) Pro-Zak on Flickr

That felt good. My heart didn’t grow three sizes or anything, but a nice venting is good for the digestion.

Now I’m going to dust off my copy of Bad Santa (NSFW), chase some kids off my lawn, and get back to being an anti-social crank.

I hope however you do spend this last 5% of the year, you find untarnished happiness, humor, and fun somewhere in the mix.

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(cc) Vu Bui on Flickr

One of my favorite authors, Sir Terry Pratchett, has requested the paperwork to visit the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland and engage in an assisted suicide. Terry Pratchett has Alzheimer’s, and does not wish to prolong the suffering for himself or the people he loves. His battle has sparked a debate in the UK about assisted dying and an individual’s right to choose when and how they would go.

In an interview with Pratchett in the Daily Mail:

‘I believe that if the burden gets too great, those who wish should be allowed to be shown the door,’ he said. ‘In my case, in the fullness of time, I hope it will be in the garden under an English sky. Or, if wet, the library.’

While I would mourn the loss of a brilliant man and exceptional author, I unreservedly support Pratchett’s right to make this decision and face his end with the peace and dignity he desires.

Sadly, death and dying is something we hate to talk about, especially the idea of dying by our own hand. This needs to change.

Choosing Death

I love dogs. One of the few problems with my affection towards these beasts is their sweet, furry lives are considerable shorter than our own. I’ve had to make the decision three times to euthanize one of my dogs when they were suffering. It was crushing for me, but each time it was the right decision and I was with them in their final moments. Nobody questioned my right to do provide this release for these creatures I loved. We offer animals a basic right to die when their pain becomes too great that we do not afford to people.

My grandfather, who moved next door and helped raise me when my father died, went into cardiac arrest while being prepped for surgery. The doctors informed us he was essentially brain dead. Faced with the choice of keeping this energetic, big-hearted man alive on machines or letting nature take its course, we opted to disconnect him from life support. He had no Living Will, but the hospital staff was supportive and backed our decision. We knew it was what he would want, and I held his hand as he died. At some point death is the correct next step for us all, and nothing can come from fighting it.

A decade later, my grandmother began suffering from dementia, and following a stroke grew steadily worse. By the time this wonderful woman died, she was in a state of confusion and fear that I could barely stand to see. She didn’t recognize anyone, could not take care of herself, and called out to imaginary faces and friends long dead. Far before that horrible state, when her mind was still there but the symptoms had begun, when her future was clear and she was present enough to understand it, what would she have done if given an option to end her life? Unfortunately society only leaves one path open to someone like her – the slow slide into madness and helplessness. When faced with a grim or painful future, why should we dictate how each individual chooses to face it?

A few years ago a local Phoenix businessman committed suicide. His death was a shock to everyone who knew him, but what surprised me most was how quickly the news it was a suicide was replaced with news he had “died unexpectedly”. Suicide is such a stigma, such a taboo, that we refuse to acknowledge or discuss it. Would he have gone through with it if he had felt he could talk with someone? We will never know because he faced the same silence on the topic that swallowed up his own actions. I’ve intervened twice with friends who were depressed and contemplating suicide, but only was able to act because they discussed it with me. How many suicides could be stopped if the person felt they could talk about it openly and honestly with people they cared about?

These are all choices, all with their own complexities. Death isn’t always the answer, but we can’t help each other if we’re afraid to talk about it.

Death is part of Life

Discworld's Death - (cc) Axel Bührmann on Flickr

Terry Pratchett writes the brilliant Discworld books, and Death is a character in most of them. Astride his skeletal steed, Binky, and speaking IN BOOMING CAPITAL LETTERS, Death struggles to understand the living as he carries on his duties. He is not compassionate, he is not cruel, he simply Is. He is a wonderful character, and Pratchett has received letters from terminally ill readers around the world who say it brought them comfort in what they now face.

Pratchett has now taken his views on death out of the realm of fiction and worked on a documentary titled Terry Pratchett: Choosing to Die, which recently aired in the UK. Choosing to Die examines the complex issues of assisted dying and follows the journey of Peter Smedley to the Digitas Clinic in his own quest to die. Peter suffered from motor neurone disease that was relentlessly removing his ability to function. Peter drinks a glass of barbiturates that Dignitas prepares for him, and dies while his wife sits next to him, holding is hand. Peter’s actual death was captured on film and shown in the documentary.

CNN discusses the reactions to Pratchett’s documentary, which range from ”harrowing” and “powerful,” to “disgraceful” and “heartbreaking.” It’s about what I would expect from a topic this powerful and bottled up. I would love to see Choosing to Die air in the US to help spark the conversation here, but don’t have high hopes.

We need to be able to discuss death openly, and understand when and how someone should be allowed to choose their own way of exiting this world. We need to separate those who are facing a lifetime of suffering, from people who are simply in a dark place and feel there is nowhere to turn. Until we remove the stigma around choosing to die, and understand that it is a choice many people contemplate for all sorts of reasons, those things cannot happen.

• If you are contemplating suicide, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Talk with someone.
• If you want to dictate how you should be treated in the event you are no longer able to make decisions for yourself, set up an Advanced Health Care Directive, also known as a Living Will. Consult with a lawyer about this or any other will or estate plan to ensure things are handled correctly.
• Talk with your family and loved ones about what you want to happen when death is imminent, and make them aware of any documents/wills you have created.
• If someone you care about tries to talk with you about death decisions, LISTEN TO THEM. It may be uncomfortable and scary, but this is not a topic to ignore.
• And, if you get a chance, watch Choosing to Die. It’s a powerful documentary no matter what your current view of assisted suicide.

Then get back to Living.

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(cc) MrAnathema on Flickr

Last night I had the most amusing honor of emceeing the first Phoenix Ultimate Geek Smackdown (PUGS) at Phoenix Comicon, put on by the Horror Track and the Midnite Movie Mamacita. This was an idea Andrea and I came up with over beers one afternoon. I need to stop drinking beer. Gets me into too much trouble.

Anyway, the idea was to see who had the best overall knowledge of geekery, on topics ranging from science-fiction to gaming. The gauntlet would be a series of tournament bracket debates where a Question of Great Import would be revealed, argued, and then finally judged by audience approval. The Questions of Great Import were given to the debaters on the spot, and they were assigned which side they would have to champion. A true geek would be able to argue both, would he not? About 200 people in the audience and our eight (somewhat reluctant) contenders waited breathlessly for each topic to be revealed.

The Questions of Great Import for the first round were:

• Fast Zombies or Slow Zombies?
• Autobots or Decepticons?
• Team Edward or Team Jacob?
• River Tam or Buffy Summers?

Winners are in bold. The Twilight one was thrown in for fun, and nearly started a small riot. The debaters rallied to a topic they clearly didn’t know well and argued whether women preferred pretty men who sparkled, or hairy men who grunted. The winners advanced to the semi-finals where the topics were:

• Alliance or Horde?
• Better Rogue Captain: Han Solo or Malcolm Reynolds?

(cc) MrAnathema on Flickr

The Captain one was my favorite of the series, and with sporting Browncoats in the audience things got heated. The World of Warcraft topic brought out the hidden need of some men to dress as women in armored bikinis. By this point the audience was openly debating the topics among themselves and with the contestants.

Finally, only two contestants sat upon the battlefield and took aim at one of the all-time classics:

• Marvel or DC?

BEDLAM! Fortunately, order was restored before security needed to be called, and Chris Calilung won the day, a big box of prizes, and the creepiest trophy ever - a lion, being ridden by Chewbacca and Geordi LaForge, with C3PO’s head in the lion’s mouth. This bizarre work of art was paraded around proudly, and documented in the cameras and cell phones of many stunned attendees.

Chris ran the field like a true Geek, and despite repeated threats about being so nervous he was going to hurl, when things got going he faced his fears like a Sicilian when death is on the line! Mad props go out to the runner-up, Ben Mandall, who came ready to rumble with his Dungeon Master’s screen and giant D20.

(cc) MrAnathema on Flickr

Huge thanks to Andrea for adding this into the Horror track, awesome Phoenix graphic designer Victor Moreno for making the presentation look so pretty, Phoenix geek blog Lightning Octopus for helping spread the word, relentless photographer Joe Abbruscato for the great pictures, and everyone else who contributed to make this goofy thing happen. It went so well, and people had so much fun, I’m hoping we make it part of the overall Phoenix Comicon event and get a bigger room. (HINT, HINT!)

Until then, I hope Chris enjoys his reign as Phoenix’s Ultimate Geek… and that the trophy doesn’t give him nightmares.

UPDATE: Due to popular demand, I present to you a picture of the Phoenix Ultimate Geek Smackdown Trophy!

Phoenix Ultimate Geek Smackdown Trophy

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(cc) janale on Flickr

Yes, someone predicted the Rapture was happening this past weekend, and in no great shock to most people, nothing happened.

I made fun of it several times, as did others, but sadly many people were sucked into this nonsense and spent all their money, spent their kid’s college funds, and even tried to euthanize their pets so they wouldn’t be “left behind”. This is the sad, dark part of Family Radio’s predictions. People and families are ruined because they followed this nonsense.

To me, the most horrible thing isn’t this particular Rapture-Gone-Wrong, but the underlying views behind it.

First, that individual people believe they are so incredibly important that the end of all things is going to happen during their lifetime. People have been predicting the end of all things (eschatology) since we first learned to write, and probably before. In Christianity alone, the first predictions of the Second Coming came around 30 CE, which is almost right after Jesus was crucified. They couldn’t believe the Messiah would wait a decade to return let along 2,000+ years. Every time someone predicts the Apocalypse and it doesn’t happen, others point and laugh. Yet there are millions of people out there who are still convinced the end times are coming any day now. Get over yourselves.

The second, and larger problem for me is that so many people worry about the end of things at all. They find the world so horrible and stark that the solace of The End is greater than all the amazing things around them. So scary is their reality that it isn’t enough that they no longer live, but that all of creation ends with them. This little universe of ours is a great, mysterious, and fascinating thing. Appreciate what you already have, because it is glorious.

I understand both of these aspects of human psychology from an intellectual sense, but they still depress me. How much better would the world be if we paid more attention to how we live rather than how we all might die? How much richer would we be if we worried less about aggrandizing this particular tick of the clock, and simply worked hard to make our own contributions matter?

Do what you can with the time you have, and make the world a better place. Otherwise I fear that if there really is to be an End to humanity, it is not going to come at the hand of a Divine Being but at our own.

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Several moons ago I heard that Canadian Club Whisky was reviving their Hide A Case program and looking for people to compete in a contest for $100,000. Being inclined towards such things, I entered.

The whole thing was an extension of a scavenger hunt promotion that Canadian Club did back in 1967, where they hid cases of whisky in strange locations across the world. They posted clues in magazine ads, and sent people searching from Kilimanjaro to San Francisco to find the cases. A few went undiscovered, and periodically Canadian Club would revive the campaign and dole out a few more clues. Pretty cool idea, I thought.

This time they wanted to a put a team together to compete in finding a special case. Participants went through several levels of puzzles, and the final round involved submitting a 2 minute video about why you would make a good member of the team. I made it through all the rounds and submitted the video below.

Be warned, it is quite possibly the goofiest, cheesiest thing I’ve done:

I warned you.

I was bummed when I didn’t make the team, but was genuinely annoyed when I saw who did. Most of the people had an existing connection to the contest, having searched for (or even found) some of the previous cases. A few had decent videos, but others weren’t that interesting. Were they all better than mine? Quite possible given the sheer dorkiness of what’s embedded above, but it left me feeling like nothing I could have done was enough because I was up against hidden criteria. Giving preference to previous hunters would have been fine if they had told anyone up front.

It was still fun to do the video, but seeing the team results took away all interest I had in the contest, the brand, and the whisky. Although I somehow doubt it will stop me from making a fool of myself online the future. Some habits are just too hard to break.

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Image by Moriartys via Flickr

On February 5 I joined the local Skeptics in the Pub to overdose on homeopathic arsenic. We did it as part of 10:23 Campaign – a global effort to show that homeopathy is nothing more than pseudoscience.  There is nothing effective about homeopathic remedies, and that can be a dangerous thing.

Homeopathy is not just alternative medicine

Homeopathy relies on taking an active ingredient and diluting it to make it more effective. They they dilute it again. And again. It gets to the point where no laboratory discern most homeopathic remedies from plain water. You get as much “medicine” as drinking a glass of water from the tap. Possibly more. The only positive impact you might get is from the placebo effect.

The companies who make billions off this fakery claim that this diluting process enhances the naturalness of it and the solution retains a “memory” of the active ingredient. It’s been scientifically proven to be hogwash, but still gets sold in the US because they don’t classify themselves as drugs so aren’t subject to the FDA. But you wouldn’t know they are classified differently when you see them side-by-side with real medicines in pharmacies and stores.

Overdosing on homeopathy is less dangerous than trusting it

The placebo effect can provide real impact, so who cares if homeopathic medicines are junk? The problem is that many people don’t understand that they are taking nothing more than water or sugar pills, and make dangerous medical decisions as a result. It’s when parents give their children homeopathic flu remedies rather than real medicine that it gets dangerous.

Children have died while being treated with homeopathic “medicine”, and that saddens me to no end.

Arsenic was one of the favorite poisons of the Middle Ages, and linked to the death of Napoleon Bonaparte. I swallowed a whole vial of homepathic “arsenic” and feel fine… because they were nothing more than sugar pills.

Get informed

If you want to try alternative forms of medicine, educate yourself. If you want to try them on your children, educate yourself even more.

James Randi is offering $1,000,000 for any proof that homeopathic remedies work – and it sits unclaimed. Watch this video for more information.

Below is a news clip on our 10:23 “overdose” in Phoenix.

Why do this?  If the protest or this blog gets one person healthier by turning them towards more effective treatment, then we’re moving in the right direction.

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Image via Wikipedia

Moriarty is a bit of an interesting last name. It gets mangled a bit (“Mormontree” once) but not nearly as much as some. When telling it to someone, I automatically spell it afterwards by default. I’m forever removing extra I’s from various locations.  It is when I run into a Sherlock Holmes fan, though, that things get interesting.

Professor James Moriarty was Holmes’ arch-nemesis. Every bit the equal to Holmes’ incredible intellect, his diabolical machinations lead some (including me) to claim he was the first Super Villain. This surname connection to a fictional character has led to hundreds of discussions of him, Holmes, and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle throughout my life. While not making me an expert, it certainly gave me some perspective on the topic.

Like when Robert Downey Jr., lit the pipe in 2009, I got an earful. His turn at Holmes wasn’t horrible. It was better than I expected, to be honest, but it really doesn’t rate at the best the Detective has seen. So who does rate that honor in my book?  This Topless Robot blog post on the 10 Best Sherlock Holmses gets it just about right.

Their top choice is mine as well – Jeremy Brett. Just watch this collection of some of his clips from the first season of his performance on television in the UK. I hadn’t seen his “stagnation” speech in a long time, but it hasn’t lost its power. To quote from the blog post:

he was completely transcendent as Holmes, brilliantly cunning and yet almost unbearably lonely and withdrawn, fine-tuned and deeply haunted. Determined to give the part his all, Brett dove in headfirst, creating a special compilation of notes (the famous “Baker Street File”), scrutinizing every script for accuracy and inventing a backstory.

If you’re curious, watch some of the other clips and track down some of the other great incarnations of this legendary Detective. He doesn’t need to be an action hero – he is quite impressive just as he stands.

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This afternoon I will be attending the wedding of a female friend to her female partner.  It’s the first time I’ve been to such a ceremony, and it makes me sad that it stands out.

From everything I’ve seen, these two ladies just love the hell out of each other. They are absolutely adorable together, and have a wonderful set of hopes, dreams, pet nicknames, habits, challenges, and plans. They have much more going for them than many other couples I’ve met, married or not. They want to spend their lives together.

So I’m going to get out my fancypants and go celebrate with them. I love this part, and I’m touched they would ask me to be a part of it. But the legality of their union is sadly still a debated issue. The horrible affront of this topic enrages many. This baffles and saddens me beyond any ability I have to articulate.

Why is this a “gay” marriage?  Marriage has evolved into a legal institution, but at its heart isn’t marriage an expression of love and dedication between two people? Of what possible relevance is their gender?  Nonetheless, these two wonderful people have to have a separate service away from their friends and family to make it “official”, as the most they can do in Arizona is have a celebration.

It’s bullshit. This celebration is much more precious and dear than the paperwork they may achieve at the end of any legal and religious hoops. What they have together, no legal wrangling can take away.

They are two people who love each other, and that should always be enough.