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I love food, in all its flavors, textures, types, and styles. I adore trying new things.
That is why I cry a little when I see someone immediately salt the snot out of a dish before trying a single bite, and there is no greater source of my tears than the class of food products known as “condiments”.
Correctly done, a condiment should add flavor to food. What sadly happens far too often is that people glop and plop this stuff on otherwise tasty food to completely cover over the original taste. Their food becomes just a Condiment Delivery Device, and I wonder why they don’t just squirt the stuff right into their mouths and cut out the middle man.
If you want to get the most out of your food, then heed my list of the Top and Bottom condiments…
Best Condiments In The World
1. Sriracha Sauce – Known to all by the distinctive rooster on the bottle, know by some as the “hot cock”, it is clearly the most glorious of all condiments. It might even transcend “condiment” to be an actual “prodiment”. As the Oatmeal pointed out this stuff is glorious. It is tangy, magical, and acceptable in all amounts from a “Small dollop” up to “See you in the afterlife”.
2. Spicy mustard – While much milder than Sriracha, it brings both flavor and zing to everything from ballpark franks to wine and cheese plates. It goes anywhere with style and swagger. Plain yellow mustard is not horrible, but that’s Little Child Mustard. Here we’re talking about Studly Mustard, also known as Studstard. Also acceptable are garlic mustard, stone ground mustard, and nuclear death mustard.
3. Salsa – This refers to real salsa, not Cold Tomato And Random Vegetable Chopped Goo. It’s a condiment so tasty you can eat it on a plain corn chip with style. Professionals include it to finish off everything from tacos to pasta. It’s the Transformer of condiments.
Worst Condiments In The Universe*
1. Mayonaisse – Screw everything about this zit-pus like substance. You know what a great ham sandwich tastes like when you add mayo? Mayo. Know what a dead rat tastes like when you add mayo? Mayo. Other than helping out in egg salad (where it is saved by the mustard), and helping people eat their dead rats, this stuff is the Taste Killer and should be banned from all discerning mouths.
2. Ketchup – This condiment is acceptable with one thing: French fries. Maybe a hot dog or hamburger, but only if you’re out of mustard. If you put this on your eggs, your steak, your doughnuts, or anything else you need to seek help.
3. Ranch dressing – Capable of turning the healthiest of salads into an artery clogging bowl of sludge, it often hangs out in the refrigerator near its eviler cousin, the mayo. Together, the two are often known to bully around more defenseless food when the refrigerator door is closed and the lights go out. Every time you dunk a carrot stick or broccoli sprout from a veggie platter into this goop, you’re punching Mother Nature in the face. If you dunk your pizza in this stuff, you need to switch pizza places then punch yourself in the face.
* I don’t think even if we encounter alien civilizations they will be able to top these nasty things.
If you’re a condiment junkie, please, get help. There is a world of flavors out there just begging to run rampant over your tongue bumps – set them free!
My name is Jeff Moriarty, and this is my personal blog. It has no intent beyond a place to express myself, and no warranty is expressed or implied for the content you may find within. 